How The Art of Gathering Changed the Way I Host

Together, The Art of Gathering and Dialogue Education provide powerful methods for cultivating transformative gatherings and learning events in every sphere. The Art of Gathering has changed the way I facilitate as a Dialogue Education Practitioner, and how I show up as a host, in just about every sphere of life.

Here’s what I do differently because of this book:

1. I push for a purpose. “When we don’t examine the deeper assumptions behind why we gather,” Parker writes, “we end up skipping too quickly replicating old, staid formats of gathering. And we forgo the possibility of creating something memorable, even transformative.” (3)

Category (“a graduation party”) isn’t enough to guide the tough decisions about the who, where, or how. Parker invites the host to commit to a disputable purpose by asking what makes this gathering different and why it matters. She invites us to “Keep asking why until you hit a belief or value” (22).This reminded me of the first three steps of the 8 Steps of Design: The People, Situation, and Anticipated Change – and how we name these before we start thinking about the content. When planning any kind of gathering, I try to uncover purpose by asking these three questions:

• What will have changed?
• For whom?
• Why is this important?

In the case of the dissertation defense party, here’s a more eloquent version of what we landed on: The cohort of recent graduates and their close community will have transitioned into post-dissertation life by reminiscing about what the process meant to them and naming the values they want to carry forward into their future work. It was important to do this as a community because of the shared value for community and mutual support within academic spaces.

2. I don’t invite everyone. Before I read this book, I lived by the mode of “the more, the merrier.”And sometimes, if the purpose allows, I still think this can be true. However, The Art of Gathering gave me permission to “close doors.” I invite only the people who contribute directly to the purpose of each gathering. Asking “Who is this gathering for first” (43) can help guide these decisions. I’ve also taken to noticing the occasional feelings of discomfort when someone is invited that I hadn’t foreseen, or when someone wants to come to part, but not all, of an event. Hmm, this doesn’t feel great – why? The answer usually lies with the purpose. The absence, presence, or partial presence of an individual or group might be interfering with the purpose I have laid out for the whole group, and ignoring the purpose can compromise everyone’s experience.       

Another perk of a purposeful invite list: you can better honor and introduce the guests to one another and get to know their story and relationship to the purpose before the event even begins.

3. I use my generous authority. I used to think that teaching, hosting, facilitating meaningful connection relied on magical powers that were just beyond, or sometimes surprisingly within, my reach. The right activities, the right mix of people, the right mood. For Parker, “An essential step along the path of gathering better is making peace with the necessity and virtue of using your power.” It’s not magic, it’s what she calls “generous authority” – which means systematically protecting, equalizing, and connecting guests. I used to be afraid to speak up if I felt something was off, wanting to be a “chill host.” Parker leaves no doubt: “Chill is a miserable attitude when it comes to hosting.” Like a muscle, I’ve started exercising the courage to protect my guests from one another’s agendas, from hierarchies that reiterate existing power structures, and from leaving guests feeling more alone than they arrived.

Protecting, equalizing, and connecting requires some prep, and my favorite takeaway from the many strategies Parker offers was that of creating pop-up rules. Creating and communicating the rules for an event help to neutralize hierarchies and unite the group around the shared purpose, rather than individual agendas.

At the dissertation party, I put a sign on the front door: “If you must talk about that big paper, you just wrote, don’t use any of the buzz words in the abstract.” We didn’t want it to be about showing off your skills; but about humanizing the experience, in a field that so often values you by the way you finish the statement, “I work on…”

Sometime maybe I’ll be brave enough to try Parker’s favorite toast concept: “Everyone toasts. The last toast must sing.”

4. I make asks, not just invites. “Before your event starts, it has begun,” Parker writes (145). Through a gathering, Parker shows how intentional hosts can usher guests into a temporary alternative world, in which guests are connected to one another and transformed towards the purpose. Whether it’s a small activity people do as they enter the room, filling out a workbook, lighting a candle, sitting in a circle, inviting dinner guests to the living room, or Jane Vella’s strategy of giving her students a phone call before the first day of class, ushering creates connection by bringing guests into a temporary alternative world. When deciding which asks to make, I let the purpose, and Vella’s axiom “Avoid too much what for the when!” guide my decision making.

At the graduation party, I asked guests ahead of time who they would like to invite to help them celebrate the purpose. At the event, when they came through the “threshold” they had a series of stickers to choose from to wear – a gold gem if they had just defended their project! There was a different type of sticker for everyone present. I also had a bowl of reflection questions about what the process meant to us and values we want to carry forward.

I started reading The Art of Gathering on the plane home from a workshop. I instantly wished I had read the book before the event. As I was preparing to write to my colleagues about how great this book was the next day, I tuned into an organization-wide video event: Priya Parker was one of the speakers! The Art of Gathering gave renewed dimension to my Intentional Design and has helped me move Dialogue Education principles beyond learning events to any gathering I find myself hosting. (And because of this book, I’m feeling brave to host even more!)

Gathering is an art, and anyone can learn it.